My apologies

Date : 10th December 2007
Time : 2.31am
Listening to : Our Story - Tension
Where : MC - Bedroom

I dedicate this post to those I want to say sorry to.

First of all, Juliana. I am sorry I have made you so worry ever since I came to KL. I have no idea what made me change so much. I know each time when I called, I made you worry more. Sometimes I lied about being okie. I guess I was really okie at that moment. So, I am really sorry. I am truly grateful for your support.

Secondly, I am sorry to my college friends, namely Chris, Zheng, Danny and Zafri. I know how much you guys want me to stop fighting and let things be and have its' own course. But if I let things be, I feel that I have more to answer to God. But thank you for sticking up to me. And again, I am sorry.

Thirdly, I am sorry Andrew for making u worry sometimes. I know that you know me as a person that doesn't shed a single tear. But lately things had been quite messed up. Thank you for listening and for reminding me who I truly am. Thank you GA.

Fourth, I am sorry Yi Kwan. I know you don't read my blog. But thank you for fooling around with me despite both of our stupid problems that are not such a big deal by the end of the day.

Fifth, sorry dude if I've made u any more uncomfortable than you already are. And for discriminating you in some ways. I am really trying to snap out of it. I am truly sorry I wasn't being truly honest with you.

Last but the most important person of all, I am so sorry God. I am so sorry for fighting for the wrong cause. I am very tired. So I will just stop trying to do your job. Grace is a gift. I cannot earn it.

I know many will think I am making a big deal out of this and overkilling myself and fighting too much out of my means. I have no idea why I resist so much. I just reach my breaking point. I promise to be okie when I come back TOA next year. I just need to clear up this conflicting feelings in me. Knowing that a want and a need cannot come together, I will clean up this mess that I made this year. Again, truly, I apologize for my behavior. It's not something that I could control. I hate the me now too. I just fell and it was hard and on the wrong side too. I truly hope none of you, will judge me for this. Because I am really trying to do the right thing.

And I don't even know where I am going.

For those who miss the old chen li... I miss her even more.



-frozenstrawberry-
[2.55am]

My family portrait

Date : 4th December 2007
Time : 8.32pm
Listening to : Ambience sound....lol
Where : MC - LH

What a day.... Pinky called and I rushed over to school for her class. The 1st term for Comm Skill was having a drama. And it was good. And I had quite a chat with the juniors. An interesting lot. And then, I left at around 1.30pm and headed for William's place. Printed the typo final posters there...Goodness...The whole subject cost me more than rm150 bucks.... not to mention CGPP sammo...One project already rm140.... Pengsan... And then I went for Visual Fundamental class... Had our final test there...I actually enjoy simplified figure a lot... Minus the stomach ache, everything went well. After class, Chris and I yam cha in Meng Tien while waiting for my parents to come. We have a dinner date. I called my bro and then we went off to meet my parents, my sis and Raymond. Ate at Buffalo Steak House. My goodness... My family really funny la...especially my dad. So lawak... All kinds of funny funny jokes and statements and actions... Cannot tahan. Laughed until almost got choked. My mom also. Haha... Man..I love my family. Too bad my youngest bro not around. He's spending his holiday in Teluk Intan.

Well, about the previous issue I was dealing with, I may complained a lot sometimes and a lil' paranoid but I am actually doing really well. I guess the hurting part went away after 4 days from that "eventful" day. Recovery rate was so fast and I really thank God for it. It kinda boost up my confidence though. Aih...But I don't wanna say for sure if things may backfire or not but things appear to be good. Just a little more self-control and things are going to be fine. Besides, I will not dwell on something that will not be fruitful. And I definitely will not stay stagnant here. Strange enough, (and yet I am not surprised), I am much happier now compared to that one year of silence. Who else should I thank except for God alone right? So many times He spoken to me in various ways. Even telling me that I have permission to speak for myself. In everything, I will praise God for all His goodness. When I come back next year, I will be totally purged from this issue. Ugh~ I hate one way street. o.0 No worries though, I really still care for this friendship. Don't misunderstand. :)

Anyway... I have to go. I will see you Malaccans on Friday. Ta!


I have one great family...

-chen-
[8.48pm]

typo final

Date : 3rd December 2007
Time : 1.16am
Listening to : water dripping
Where : MC - LH

Waaaa...So fast december d.... Can go home on Fri... It;s good to leave this place. Since thing were taken for granted for a while now. Ok...ill post my typo final project work... which lagged my comp and took up 4GB of space. o.0! Click to enlarge.


And finishing flash class too... Dunnoe ho to post flash work and I think it isn't that good so dun bother la... Kla...tido dulu...tomorrow got presentation.

-chen-
[1.27am]

Happie Birthday JU!

Date : 2nd November 2007
Time : 8.44am
Listening to : water dripping
Where : MC - Room

First of all....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIANA!!!!!

I'm coming back next friday and then we'll go makan ok?

Well, anyway...waiting to go to church now. My last week in Kay el before i'll leave for Malacca. I can't wait for all these to be over. I seriously have no idea what took place for that 3 days. And was I wrong? Probably I am. But i am not the person you should "test-test water with"...

Kla...I gtg....

-chen-
8.47am

I hide no more secrets

Date : 20th November 2007
Time : 6.00pm
Listening to : Ingin Bersamamu - Syafinaz
Where : MC - LH

Okay.... It's been long. Many things happened. It's a good thing that he doesn't read my blog. Could blog freely. But no questions be asked after this post ok? I will not entertain.

It's been a year since I've been battling with this issue. Everyday is a battle for me. Dealing with 2 different emotion every single day was really straining. And holding on to my principle and dealing with my pride were quite a job too. And living everyday trying to convince myself that nobody knew but in the actual fact, everyone knew was really terrible. And yet, I also dunnoe how we could be good friends. Life was quite a roller coaster.

Every beginning of the term, I will be fine. Clean from any feelings. Middle of the term, things will make a big turn. And at the end of each term, I will have so much issues to settle within myself. And during term break, I will try to recover. Been going on for like forever. So tired of it.

But last Saturday, I broke my own rule. I truly believe that's the only remaining way out. I've tried almost everything. I just wanna be out. I didn't spill everything. Just enough for you to understand. And I am not trying to ruin anything. It is purely for me to get out once and for all. You have no idea how tiring it is to keep everything inside. And having 2 very contradicting emotion in me and not knowing how to deal with both weren't that nice either. I have no idea how I made it through also. And I hate it when your emotion affects mine. And I hate feeling so not in control of myself. I hate it that I could like someone like this. I hate it when I have to be okay when I am not. I hate it when I lie with my expression and words. I hate it when I go home and I have to come to accept that I failed again. Everyday, telling myself that I will stay away and going home knowing that I failed. Trying to hide but so unsure if I succeed. And I had so much fear in me.

White flag. I admit defeat. So I spilled.

Thank God we are okay. I hope this will not change anything. I truly want a strong friendship between us. Because I still believe that this will come to pass one day. I am happy. Really happy. I don't know where this joy came from but I thank God for it. And I am really glad that it didn't backfire.

Right now, I am back as the same old Chen Li in Malacca. Wo bu liu yen lei le. No worries. I hide no more secrets.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

Runaway Train - Soul Asylum

I will not repeat this phrase. I must not.

I will not entertain any questions.

-chen-

[6.24pm]

I rephrase.

I rephrase.

You are my worst nightmare.

I just want out

Date : 8th November 2007
Time : 11.59pm
Listening to : Always in my heart - Moffatts
Where : Tanyus' place

It's so tiring to work in front of the computer for hours and for days. It's not that I am stressed yet. But my left shoulder is killing me.... Anyway... Typography class was good... Yeah... It seemed that people like the work that I don't fancy most and she didn't consider the one that I like. But I am okay with that. I have no idea why I always talk about typo class. K... Design Method was good. Digital Design... didn't have any problem in class....but the final is really tiring to the max. I guess I can finish my work at the end of the day but.... Nevermind. CGPP.... -.-! The last assignment I made up for the 1st... I got 97% I think. Visual Fundamentals is fun and I love Liang Feng's class actually. Next week I'll have 2 tests for 2 subs...

And lately, I am having really weird mood swing. I am so sorry...terribly sorry to everyone. If I've lashed out at anybody, I am sorry. And sometimes I will just lighten up and be happie about stuff. And I dunnoe how to describe my spiritual condition now. As long as I am in TOA, I can never ever get out from this issue.


And you have no idea how much I want to be out of this issue. You are my worst nightmare and yet my greatest dream.


-chen-
[12.08am]

Happy birthday sista!

Date : 3rd November 2007
Time : 11.28pm
Where : LH - MC
Listening to : grass cutting machine thingy... -.-!

Anyway, first of all... HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! To my beloved sister of course. Too bad I couldn't online and wish her yesterday cos I wasn't home.

Secondly, GET WELL SOON!!!!! To Thee Jhin... Hope that you will recover asap and then can go eat McD. Haha....

Thirdly, why do you have to answer that? I was 16 and I was crazy and I live by that question. No one got it right and what the heck is this and you got it right? Okay, there's a friend that got it right but that's beside the point. -.-! See.... Now the question is dead and I am so empty inside now. Don't ask me why cos' i really dunnoe why.

Lastly, I bought Wacom Bamboo Fun!! Woohoo! So exciting!
Cool huh? Finally my first tablet. heeheehee.......... Aiyooooooooo.... I contemplated for so long that Sathom had to slap me. And I called my dad and he said just buy lor. Waaaaaaaaaaaa....And weirdly enough I tried to stop him from asking me to buy it. I must be the weirdest person alive.

Anyway, my friend, I am glad to know you better. I hope you will one day recover and then we won't be that super d duper weird. Lol.

Alright now...gtg! Ta!

OH! And Christine staying over! Gwarshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I miss her!

-chen-
[11.40pm]