Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I hide no more secrets

Date : 20th November 2007
Time : 6.00pm
Listening to : Ingin Bersamamu - Syafinaz
Where : MC - LH

Okay.... It's been long. Many things happened. It's a good thing that he doesn't read my blog. Could blog freely. But no questions be asked after this post ok? I will not entertain.

It's been a year since I've been battling with this issue. Everyday is a battle for me. Dealing with 2 different emotion every single day was really straining. And holding on to my principle and dealing with my pride were quite a job too. And living everyday trying to convince myself that nobody knew but in the actual fact, everyone knew was really terrible. And yet, I also dunnoe how we could be good friends. Life was quite a roller coaster.

Every beginning of the term, I will be fine. Clean from any feelings. Middle of the term, things will make a big turn. And at the end of each term, I will have so much issues to settle within myself. And during term break, I will try to recover. Been going on for like forever. So tired of it.

But last Saturday, I broke my own rule. I truly believe that's the only remaining way out. I've tried almost everything. I just wanna be out. I didn't spill everything. Just enough for you to understand. And I am not trying to ruin anything. It is purely for me to get out once and for all. You have no idea how tiring it is to keep everything inside. And having 2 very contradicting emotion in me and not knowing how to deal with both weren't that nice either. I have no idea how I made it through also. And I hate it when your emotion affects mine. And I hate feeling so not in control of myself. I hate it that I could like someone like this. I hate it when I have to be okay when I am not. I hate it when I lie with my expression and words. I hate it when I go home and I have to come to accept that I failed again. Everyday, telling myself that I will stay away and going home knowing that I failed. Trying to hide but so unsure if I succeed. And I had so much fear in me.

White flag. I admit defeat. So I spilled.

Thank God we are okay. I hope this will not change anything. I truly want a strong friendship between us. Because I still believe that this will come to pass one day. I am happy. Really happy. I don't know where this joy came from but I thank God for it. And I am really glad that it didn't backfire.

Right now, I am back as the same old Chen Li in Malacca. Wo bu liu yen lei le. No worries. I hide no more secrets.

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

Runaway Train - Soul Asylum
I will not repeat this phrase. I must not.

I will not entertain any questions.



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