Feeling what i need to feel~

Date: 4th May 2006
Time : 1.56AM

Haih~... It's been long since i blogged.... Well, many things happened... I went for A 4 days course... Learned the programme Intericad... It's an Interior design programme... Stayed with Hazel for 2 days... Actually... I don't know what to think anymore... I am really wondering if life is all about studies... If people can't be convinced about your ambition... should we pursue anyway? Sigh~... Nemind.. i'm crapping...

Hazel followed me back and we did many stuff la... well, dun have the time to post about it now...betul-betul takda masa... utang banyak lagi...so see how la....

A few days ago.. I felt a deep disappointment. Maybe i din't really feel at first until the whole programme really starts and people started to come and tell me that it's ok that they didn't turned up. It's not the time yet. I know that, of course i do but i just can't help being disappointed.... I was in the toilet crying and telling God how i felt. I didn't even ask why and it did not matter. I just need consolation. And NOT by accident, He made me write Acts 16:31 the hard way for more than ten times. It is this verse that kept me believing and being strong and hopeful and never to let go.... And it still does. I now God is showing me something by making me do the mugs with this verse. It's not easy but He does get His message across.

So, ppl do ask why i chose to be a Christian. I didnt. He chose me and that is quite a statement actually...for people to understand. A girl once asked me this: "Why you want to be a Christian? Scared go to hell ar?".... Sheesh... I answered her "No" and decided to remain to be in a situation I was in and DID NOT accept Christ. Well, if anyone asked me that again, I will have a very different answer which is very honest. Yes, i am afraid of hell...Who doesn't? But was fear was the first emotion i felt? No.. It was guilt then came fear then i came to love this God who died for me on the cross. It doesn't sound very convincing, i admit. But what is convincing anyway? I truly believe He loves all of us enough to crucify His own Son on the cross. If this is what it takes to demonstrate His love for us, and He gave what it takes, then i am convinced that He truly loves us. I am not being provoking here...but give me another person who will do this for me? I don't talk trash here. He is real in my life and i don't expect anybody to understand that. Why la~ Sometimes i wish this message of salvation comes in easy. It's simple...really...but hard to be accepted. And it aches so much because it made me feel helpless to see things crumble away if i don't do my part and yet, i can't do it. I love them... i really do you know... but i doubt if it's sufficient. I am so scared. I don;t know why i am writing all these down but i am just so scared. And i am grateful. I have an entry here i wrote when i can't online....

____________________________________________________________

Date : 23rd April 2006
Time : 12.47 AM

Just now I read back my journals… Haih~ It’s been long since I wrote…actually, after I came back from GLO I don’t write anymore… I was so concentrated on blogging that I thought I don’t need to keep a journal anymore… But it’s real different. In blog I wrote facts and not what I feel so it’s not exactly satisfying la… So, I’m continuing on my journal keeping thingy… =)

Okay, back to reading my journal…. I was reading my 3rd journal book.. ( Yea…I have 8 already so far~ Pengsan) Something funny about journal keeping is that when I read back what I wrote… I’ll still be surprised lor. For example this…

13th October 2002 [12.40AM]
……………………….. I noe my parents have lotsa problems nowadays and I really really hope God will bless them… I know God will… He sees to every human in this world. I guess there is a reason for everything. I just hope it wouldn’t be that bad……………………….

If you notice the date, it was 4 years ago. I became a Christian when I was 18 which were in 2004. I dunno how to explain what I am trying to say here. I always believed in a God that I didn’t know. I don’t know if anybody understands this or not. Yes, I called myself a Buddhist but I was nothing like one except of course in a few areas. But when it comes to the “God” concept… I referred to a God that I didn’t know at all. I find this very amazing ler…. I mean reading back after 4 years. I didn’t know exactly who Jesus was… I didn’t know who God was… but I don’t believe in idols… I guess I can say that deep inside myself, I was hoping that I will one day know Him lor. Another example…

14th January 2003 [12.00AM]
……………………But I think she’s still very very sad… By the way she talked…. Sigh… May God bless her… all of them…and us… friends …=)……

I know God is a very general term la. But it’s really different for me because when someone mentioned “God” to me at that time, I could not visualize anything. I could only think of a white shiny figure ler… Haha… Too much cartoons maybe. Actually it started off in 2001… I don’t think I wanna put in the entry here cos my English was horrible. Haha!! Ae, serious…super horrible… I read back also I wanna faint. Kla kla…. better stop here… Just wanna let it all out… Phew~! Really glad that He found me. Maybe 4 years later than I expected… I rejected Him out of fear in 2001 but He found me again in 2004. I guess life really comes in a circle at times.


Signing off,

- Chen -

______________________________________________________

It's like 2.20 AM in the morning now and i felt like writing... I have many things to give thanks for. I am so blessed because He gave me my wonderful family. I have my dad who supported me all the time. I have a mom who brought me up in a way that i can be proud of. I have a sister that i love beyond measure (which is rather obvious among my friends) and so talented. I have my 2 brothers which i can truly say, i am so proud of and cheers me up in different ways which usually i failed miserably to see most of the time. I have my friends which i always give thanks for. I cannot describe the way i feel right now. i bet many will be finding a psychiatrist for me now.. Haha... I'm ok... really... I've been taking things for granted for so long. I think it's time to give back. Sometimes i am just too blind to see how blessed i am. I just love these people in my life!!! Aaaah!

And Lord Jesus, I will ALWAYS love you....