Friday, June 15, 2007

I am sorry i cannot feel but i do love you

Date : 15th June 2007
Time : 11.58PM
Where : Home - Malacca
Listening to : Pretty Clinic OST

Finally...Streamyx at home. Beng Hui's wedding tomorrow. Gwarshhh... Can't wait. I hope my intention to make him a card will work. Ngee Zheng actually thought of making a joke during the ceremony. Hoho! Just kidding. Gahahaaa...

Neway, confession of a really emotionally messed up female here. I realized that i cannot feel the right thing at the right time. Cancer came back. But on different person. But i dunno if i was way too shocked to feel anything or i was just plain inhuman. I dunno. Dad came in and asked me to pray about it. He's not a Christian and yet he believed in the power of prayers. I hope. But when i started talking to God, i stopped in the middle of my sentences many many times. It never happened this way before. I didn't know what to say so i started off with confession of sins and thanking Him for all His blessings. But even that i was so jammed up. I didn't know what to say. And i prayed about cancer. I cried but i don't feel. What was wrong i really dunno. Dunno if it's just me or what. Cancer is such a big word. I will not question God for bringing it upon my best friend and my favorite uncle. I will shuddup rather than asking why. But i cannot feel... What is wrong with me? Does it not matter or i am just in my self-denial state again? Tak tau...Tak mau tau... Susah hati tapi tak rasa. Entah apa hal. I hate this voidness in me. I think i am running away again.

Cancer sucks.

Psalm 103

1Bless the LORD, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name.

2Bless the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits:

3Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases;

4Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies;

5Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6The LORD executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.

7He made known his ways unto Moses, his acts unto the children of Israel.

8The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and plenteous in mercy.

9He will not always chide: neither will he keep his anger for ever.

10He hath not dealt with us after our sins; nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.

11For as the heaven is high above the earth, so great is his mercy toward them that fear him.

12As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.

13Like as a father pitieth his children, so the LORD pitieth them that fear him.

14For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust.

15As for man, his days are as grass: as a flower of the field, so he flourisheth.

16For the wind passeth over it, and it is gone; and the place thereof shall know it no more.

17But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto children's children;

18To such as keep his covenant, and to those that remember his commandments to do them.

19The LORD hath prepared his throne in the heavens; and his kingdom ruleth over all.

20Bless the LORD, ye his angels, that excel in strength, that do his commandments, hearkening unto the voice of his word.

21Bless ye the LORD, all ye his hosts; ye ministers of his, that do his pleasure.

22Bless the LORD, all his works in all places of his dominion: bless the LORD, O my soul.

Another confession of an egoistic female. I chose not to feel even if i do. I know i am running away again. Not good. Trying to get out. Andrew, it's climbable. Feelingless due to feeling too much.

Feelings sucks.

I’m out of vogue, I’m out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be

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