I am not okay....

Date : 5th July 2006
Time : 2.52AM
Listening to : Berhenti berharap - Sheila On 7
Where : My bedroom

Okay… So my last post was a lil’ over. But just for the record… I am not okay. Even though you may hear me say it often… I am not always what I am. I can be not okay but it’s just my nature to make people feel okay rather than making myself feel okay. So, I’ll live with it and sure hope that you guys are okay with it too. Okay… Everything is alright. No, I mean it… really…. Everything is perfectly and honestly okay.

Just this evening, I had such an outburst… No… not the previous post. It was after what I posted another thing just came up and I just loath making someone do something that he/she is not obliged too and yet I am “charged” with the job to force it on that person and this seriously is not nice at all. What will you do anyway? Force it and live with the fact that you just make someone’s life miserable or don’t force it and face the music? I ditched both ideas and started my own round of solutions. Without God ar… seriously… I’ll end up in an asylum or something because I started breaking down and my bro was so nice to come and ask what is wrong and for the first time after so long I blurted out what I feel. I went something like, “I am not okay! What makes you guys think I am okay? Just because I said I am? Just because I want to make them feel alright I stripped myself off the rights to be okay too? And yea… So? I can’t blame anyone because I am ALWAYS finding reason to back them up and in the end the arrows just point at me then… I am not okay!” Seriously… there’re times when you wonder if what you said actually comes genuinely from your heart or not. But this is real. This is really what I feel because my heart was released from this burden after that. My bro was quiet all the time and I started sobbing like non-stop and I kept on thinking I was a freak to just snap at such “petty” stuff. I was really convinced that I went mad after that because it’s just so not normal to snap at such little stuff and yet withstand all nonsense that comes from the big stuff. *Heavy sigh* Madness…. And I asked for a break today (Yea… 5th July)… because I want it and because I need it. And I am going to youth Bible Study and Youth Meeting and then will meet up with Mel they all and go Calanthe and just chill out. I called Yikwan because she’s the one that will say things that are right. Right in the sense that it’s not what I want to hear but right in the sense that she’ll tell me what other people won’t tell me. She doesn’t talk common sense to me. She just comforts me like I am some sort of a kid… well... because I was crying like some sort of a moron. Sheesh…. But anyway, I really can’t believe that this episode just went by because I am just not the sort to break down like some crazy nutcase in front of my brother. But bother…. After ½ hour, I was back on track… Jumped on the bed and watched Samurai X with him again. I freaked him out maybe… I definitely freaked myself out also. Please don’t see me differently… I am still what I am. But I can live with different treatment if it does occur. Don’t ask me if I am okay because I will tell you that I am. And I am okay. Now.

Mcdreamy… Okay…weird term. I had a Mcdreamy and yeah… like the meaning behind this weird term… It’s only a dream. And people who caused you to dream about something (which you usually don’t get), that person is your Mcdreamy. That is MY definition. My Mcdreamy; made my life miserable usually but sure enough light it up also… More light than rainy days because..yea…I am easily satisfied. Learned that I can’t ask for more. Just live with what you get and focus on God because He’s the only one that I won’t call my Mcdreamy because He is faithful and He fulfills His promises. Unlike any Mcdreamy -ies that I bestow the title upon, I can count on God to make my life full. For now… Mcdreamy, just leave me alone because I don’t want to label anyone as my Mcdreamy now. I probably will just leave it as it is. No Mcdreamy, no dwellings, no nothing. I am currently just someone who is trying to be a person that I can look at in the mirror and tell myself I can be right too. I am not always wrong. Because I CAN be right. Satan can’t make me condemn myself any longer because I can be right.

May I clarify again, I am seriously fine.


-chen-
Ends : 3.29AM