Monday, December 10, 2007

My apologies

Date : 10th December 2007
Time : 2.31am
Listening to : Our Story - Tension
Where : MC - Bedroom

I dedicate this post to those I want to say sorry to.

First of all, Juliana. I am sorry I have made you so worry ever since I came to KL. I have no idea what made me change so much. I know each time when I called, I made you worry more. Sometimes I lied about being okie. I guess I was really okie at that moment. So, I am really sorry. I am truly grateful for your support.

Secondly, I am sorry to my college friends, namely Chris, Zheng, Danny and Zafri. I know how much you guys want me to stop fighting and let things be and have its' own course. But if I let things be, I feel that I have more to answer to God. But thank you for sticking up to me. And again, I am sorry.

Thirdly, I am sorry Andrew for making u worry sometimes. I know that you know me as a person that doesn't shed a single tear. But lately things had been quite messed up. Thank you for listening and for reminding me who I truly am. Thank you GA.

Fourth, I am sorry Yi Kwan. I know you don't read my blog. But thank you for fooling around with me despite both of our stupid problems that are not such a big deal by the end of the day.

Fifth, sorry dude if I've made u any more uncomfortable than you already are. And for discriminating you in some ways. I am really trying to snap out of it. I am truly sorry I wasn't being truly honest with you.

Last but the most important person of all, I am so sorry God. I am so sorry for fighting for the wrong cause. I am very tired. So I will just stop trying to do your job. Grace is a gift. I cannot earn it.

I know many will think I am making a big deal out of this and overkilling myself and fighting too much out of my means. I have no idea why I resist so much. I just reach my breaking point. I promise to be okie when I come back TOA next year. I just need to clear up this conflicting feelings in me. Knowing that a want and a need cannot come together, I will clean up this mess that I made this year. Again, truly, I apologize for my behavior. It's not something that I could control. I hate the me now too. I just fell and it was hard and on the wrong side too. I truly hope none of you, will judge me for this. Because I am really trying to do the right thing.

And I don't even know where I am going.

For those who miss the old chen li... I miss her even more.


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